Thursday, April 5, 2012

I'm Sexy and I Know It (At Least Until Society Reminds Me Otherwise)

[TW: Slut-shaming, internalized misogyny, fat hatred, disordered eating]

Remember a few months ago? When I wrote about the young man I took to my bed? And the internalized fat girl hate? Well, it turns out I'm not done yet! We have a new man and the same old story. Only now we've got some really great internalized slut shaming making everything worse. Without having to go into all the messy details I can tell you I'm with an amazing guy who is fighting an uphill battle against my social conditioning and my internalized self-hatred. But here's the thing, he shouldn't have to. He shouldn't have to watch me cry while he holds me and tells me I'm beautiful. He shouldn't have to remind me every single day how lovely he thinks I am (Which is not, of course, to say that I don't appreciate it. It's nice to be told you're great. It's just that he shouldn't feel like he needs to because I can't stop verbally abusing myself). Nor should he have to remind me every day that eating is not a failure but is in fact a necessary part of human survival. Because I shouldn't have to feel that simply taking up more space in this world is some sort of horrible transgression against nature. I shouldn't have been made to feel after gaining weight post-rehab that I was a poor excuse for a human being; that if perhaps I had had a little bit more self-control I would've been able to be skinny and clean and perfect (because if it's something recovering addicts lack it's definitely self-control, right?). I shouldn't have to wake up every day and put on my fat girl armor, that hard shell of humor I wear to brush off the awful comments and dirty looks I get when I dare to leave the house.
So here's what I want to know: Why is it okay to hate on fat people? Why do you get a pass for making someone feel horrible about herself (or himself) simply because she (or he) falls into a group of people it is socially acceptable to ridicule? I can guarantee there is someone out there right now reading this and yelling at the screen, "WELL FATASS! MAYBE IF YOU SPENT LESS TIME BLOGGING ON THE INTERNET AND WENT OUTSIDE YOU WOULDN'T BE SO FUCKING UGLY AND SOMEONE WOULD WANT TO FUCK YOU!" To that person (because even with my tiny readership I know that person is out there) I would like first to say, "Get better at reading comprehension. Then try rereading the first five or six sentences of this blog post." After that a thing I could do would be defend myself and list off all the things I do every single day in an attempt to be thinner. But I won't. I won't because that defeats the purpose of this entire discussion. I shouldn't have to defend my right to occupy my own body. I shouldn't have to justify or promise that I'm going to change my body to appease a bunch of strangers who do not know nor respect me. It's my body. There is no wrong way to live inside of your own skin. By virtue of it being my body I can live in it in any way I so choose. And the truth is, it isn't really anyone's business if I want to fill it with food and sit it on my couch all day, nor is it anyone's concern if I choose to take it out to the gym, take it running around the track at the local high school, or take it up a hill to the path that leads down to the beach so it can go swimming. However I decide to live inside my own skin is my choice and I don't need anyone concern trolling me until I want to starve myself. What gives anyone the right to make me feel less than for living in my body in whatever way I like? And also, what gives anyone the right to look down on the men and women who decide they love my body? I've seen the snap judgements in peoples' eyes on the subway. They look at my lover and me and it shows on their face that they're thinking, "What is he doing with her?" Unspeakably good things! That's what he's doing with me. And we're both pretty happy with the arrangement. So fuck off.
And while we're on the subject of making our own choices: why am I being made to feel ashamed for not being a virgin? As a 22 (nearly 23) year old woman who engages in entirely consensual sex with individuals who are well over the age of consent I think I'm more than allowed to go out and sleep with whomever I choose to. That's another thing that really bums me out. I'm pretty damn close to being a fucking grown up but people still think it's okay to treat me like a child. To tell me I don't know what I'm doing, I don't realize what I'm doing with my body, I don't realize the ways these things are going to hurt me. Look, I've been having sex for a while. I've slept with people I loved and people I liked and people I didn't much know. I've had good sex and bad sex and average sex and boring sex and exciting sex and lots of other kinds of sex. What I'm getting at is I know enough about myself to know what I'm doing with my body, I know enough to know that I could get hurt, or I could regret it, or I could have no particular feelings about it in the morning. And it's really no one's business how slutty or not slutty I decide I want to be. And I shouldn't have to keep writing about this on the internet. I shouldn't have to keep questioning myself and letting the self-hatred in to ruin the party.

1 comment:

  1. I think this line here sums up everything you've said in this post: "I shouldn't have to defend my right to occupy my own body." And you really shouldn't. There's nothing more hateful than judging and/or actively hating someone simply for being different from the norm, or for transgressing some societal rule that says you can look, do, feel, say, etc. however and whatever you want, as long as it falls within THESE PARAMETERS. You shouldn't have to feel that way, and I hate that our society and the people who live in it feel the need to perpetuate this horrid behavior.

    I value you as a person, I think you are an AWESOME individual, and I value your right to live your life and occupy your body however you see fit. <3