Thursday, May 10, 2012

Why Can't We Be Friends?

Source: I waste so much time


I have a problem with this. I'm sick of hearing about the "friend zone." Let me lay this shit out for you. There is no such thing as the "friend zone." The "friend zone" is a myth created by douchenozzles the world over who are upset that simply being nice to a lady does not entitle them to free snatch whenever they like. If we as a society continue to operate under the delusion that "friend zoning" is a thing then what are we really saying? First and foremost we're saying that there's something wrong with simply being someone's friend. That being my friend somehow isn't enough for you. You sir, you my hypothetical Nice Guy, by saying that I have put you in the "friend zone" are attempting to state that the only reason you became my friend was because you assumed it was going to lead to my vag. And when my friendship with you did not, in fact, lead to sleeping with me you freaked the fuck out and decided I was a bitch. But let me ask you this Mr. Nice Guy, is this the way you conduct all of your friendships? Both male and female? Do you only ever treat other people nicely because you assume they will sleep with you? Because that's kind of a fucked up way to go about things. Do you find you have a reoccurring problem with maintaining friendships with people who won't sleep with you? Have you considered that that could be because you continuously expect people to sleep with you in exchange for you behaving like a decent human being?

But let me get back to the specific graphic I stuck up at the top of this blog post. I led into it like I was going to discuss it in depth and then I faked you out by going off on a tangent, didn't I? Well, now we're going to talk about the graphic. First of all I would like to address the assumption that all of my close male friends want to sleep with me. I would venture that most of the men I spend a great deal of time with don't want to sleep with me as none of them have voiced this desire. And since I'm not a fucking psychic I am forced to assume that the ones who have never asked me to sleep with them (and whom I have never asked to sleep with) do not, in fact, wish to have sexual relations with me. And the ones who have asked me to sleep with them (and whom I have asked to sleep with) but were rejected have somehow managed to continue being my friend without it being much of an issue. I'd like to think I'm a nice enough and interesting enough human person and that this alone is reason enough to want to be my friend and a guy doesn't just want to be my friend because "he is probably interested in [me]." I like to think my dude friends "[hang] around so much" because they genuinely enjoy my company thank you very much.

Now let's unpack the fucking stupid job resume metaphor shall we? If you are my male friend and you happen to ask me out on a date and I happen to say no because I happen not to be interested in you but we decide it's okay to still be friends then I'm going to assume everything is totally fine and continue to go about our friendship in the normal manner. But being my friend is absolutely nothing like going to interview for a job. Being my friend isn't step one in the seeing-me-naked process. Being my friend when what you really want to do is sleep with me is kind of like walking past a "Help Wanted" sign but instead of applying for a job you just think really hard about getting hired and then whine to anyone who will listen about how you got fucking passed over for a job because they wanted someone with lesser qualifications even though you NEVER FUCKING APPLIED. See, that's what really gets me. I didn't know when you said, "Hey, you're pretty cool. I think we should be friends," what you really meant was, "I don't really give a fuck what you're like as a person but I sure as fuck will pretend to like you if you'll only sleep with me." I didn't know that you thought you might have a shot at getting with me if only you behaved like my friend and not like someone who was potentially interested in dating me. Since your clever ruse was to act like my friend whom I could turn to in times of need I assumed it was perfectly fucking fine to turn to you when other guys who actually asked me out turn out to be not the guys I thought they were going to be.

But what's more important is this: Dating me (or just sleeping with me) is not, I repeat NOT, really anything like applying for a job. I don't have a list of qualifications required to be met. I don't really interview applicants for the position of dude who gets to fuck me and take care of me when I'm sick and go see movies with me and do all that other couple-y shit I like to do with romantic partners. It's not like you can sue me if I decide that yes, I was looking for tall, dark, and handsome and you fit the bill but your obsessive cataloging of knowledge about Pokemon was kind of a turn off for me so I picked another guy who was also tall, dark, and handsome but didn't spend a great portion of our first date going on and on about which episode was the first appearance of Pikachu or some other shit I don't care about. (As I write this I realize my current tall, dark, and handsome who might possibly be reading this has an obsessive knowledge about Pokemon and actually I like that very much about him. So...sorry for saying it was stupid when in fact it's a thing I like! I was just making a point!) Every guy is not equally qualified to be with me is what I'm saying. There are no dating resumes. Just dates and conversations and getting to know one another. So no, not getting with you is nothing like keeping your resume around but never hiring you. What it is like is being friends with someone and dating other people. I mean are you really saying you'd prefer I be with you even if I'm not particularly interested in you? Do you really think that would be fun for either of us?

And you know what? Sometimes I do sleep with my friends. I'm sleeping with one of my friends right now in fact. And you know how that happened? Instead of behaving as though he was interested in only being my friend he managed to express interest in being something more. See, that's how it works. You like someone, you tell them, and you go from there. Don't just sit around hoping and wishing and praying and doing nothing about it and expect to get results.

[Disclaimer: I realized I've framed this problem as being male and heterosexual. I would like to acknowledge that yes, ladies are guilty of this too and yes, I do realize this can be a problem in the queer community as well. However, I'm writing largely from my own experience and my experience consists primarily of men being jerks.]

1 comment:

  1. I love this whole blog post, but this sentence alone: "Being my friend when what you really want to do is sleep with me is kind of like walking past a "Help Wanted" sign but instead of applying for a job you just think really hard about getting hired and then whine to anyone who will listen about how you got fucking passed over for a job because they wanted someone with lesser qualifications even though you NEVER FUCKING APPLIED."

    Yes. So much yes.

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